This challenge each Friday is just about my favorite bloggy thing to do – take FIVE MINUTES without editing, without over-thinking, without pre-planning and see whatever the heck comes out of your fingertips. Thanks to Lisa-Jo for her steady invitation and welcome at TheGypsyMama. Check it out – lots and lots of people respond each week – there’s room for you, too!

This week, she has written a powerful series of posts on how difficult it is for us to see ourselves as beautiful. Nothing in our culture, nothing in ourselves encourages such positive self-reflection. Rather, we are reminded, sometimes dozens of times each day, that we fall far short of the ‘standard,’ that we are less-than, that we are too big or too small or too young or too old or too …. So our task this morning is to write for five minutes on how we are indeed bearers of BEAUTY.

Here goes:

BEAUTY – GO:


“Beauty is as beauty does…” so the old saying goes. And I’ve spent most of my life trying to make that true for me. I have done, done, done – a lot of the time because it is the only way in which I feel that others will perceive me as worth their time and interest. So, as much as I appreciate Lisa-Jo’s invitation to list the ways in which I see beauty in myself because of loving acts that I do – I also resist that approach. Because I know myself so well – so, so well. And listing off the things that I do to love others plays right into my insecurities, right into the besetting sin of my life: trying to earn love and respect.


So today, I will tell you that I am older than I believe myself to be, smarter than many people wish I were, and deeply grateful – after 66 years! – to be me. To live in this too-dry skin, to own these too-many pounds, to appreciate each and every wrinkle, age spot, dimple and freckle. I am grateful for this body which I’ve hated for so long, grateful that it easily carried and bore three delightful human beings, grateful that it brought me and my husband pleasure for so many years, grateful that it is able to move with relative ease. I am blessed by this temple, and coming to be at peace with who I am. And that, my dear friends, is my prayer for each and every woman (and man) who might happen upon these words. God gave you a gift – no matter its limits, no matter those things you wish you could change about it. YOU (and I) are gifts to this world. God’s gifts. Sink into that truth, won’t you?


STOP (one minute extra – sorry! It’s the soapbox mentality, I swear it is!)

   

It’s Friday (almost – I am in CA, after all) and I’ve completed one half of my two week in-residence training program in spiritual direction. (year one of two) I am stuffed so full, I can hardly move and it is just impossible to digest it well enough to post about at this juncture. So I sigh with relief at a prompt from Lisa – Jo = something outside the parameters of my life just now. Although I imagine that THIS prompt will resonate with some of what’s happening in me just now.  The word this week? STILL

Only this week, she’s sending out the prompt from {In}Courage and their link is this: http://www.incourage.me/2011/07/five-minute-friday-still.html 

GO:

I am still tall.  

I am still older than I feel. 

I am still heavier than I wish – though not as much so as one  year ago. 

I am still married. 

I am still a mom, a grandmom, a friend, a daughter, a learner, a follower of Jesus, a struggler. 

I am still a lover of beauty, of words, of bodies of water, most especially the ocean, of small children with their sweet smiles and delightful openness. 

I am still not a coffee drinker, not a wine drinker, not a cigarette smoker, not an athlete. 

I am still learning what it means to be among the last, the lost, the least, the littlest – those who are sought by the shepherd, those who are true residents of the kingdom. I am still puzzled and intrigued and frustrated at times by the upside down nature of the kingdom of God. 

I am still learning how to be still. Getting better at it with age and practice, but always and forever a learner, amen. 

I am still amazed at how blessed I am. 

I am still wondering what heaven is like. I mean the details, please. 

I am still me – but I am still discovering who she is. And I hope I always will be.


STOP


That’s ALL I got tonight, folks. Wow, I’m tired. Here’s a little peek at my home for these two weeks – got them uploaded but not yet labeled or edited much. Soon…I hope…soon, I will post a few reflective and illustrated posts about it all. It’s all good – just a whole lot of it.

You’re heading in a particular direction, one you’ve worked toward, dreamed about, worried over, struggled to find. And out of the blue – WHAM! – you hit a major bump in the road. Suddenly a big old DETOUR sign looms in front of you and you’re left wondering, “What the heck was that??” 

Has this ever happened to you? 

It’s happened to me – more than once – but this particular story happened almost 10 years ago. Enough time has passed for me to be able to look back and see that this bump in the road turned out to be anything but a detour…

I’m writing today at the kind invitation of Michelle DeRusha over at her wonderful blog, Graceful

Just click on the link and head on over there to read about a lesson learned in a tough time, a lesson of grace and redemption and thanksgiving… And while you’re there, check out Michelle’s wonderful writing and gorgeous photographs. She’s on a grand journey of discovery and I know you’ll love reading about her, her family, her writing, her life in Nebraska.


And…

Kind friends – I am about 1/3 of the way through an intense two week training program in spiritual direction. I am living in community, attending amazing lectures, worshipping every day at 7:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. and gaining some wonderful insights into what monastic life is like. (Well…at least, a little bit…) That doesn’t leave much room for reflection. I am hoping to get at least one post in this week, trying to capture for you what this experience is like. There is enough richness here to fill this blog for months, so I’d appreciate prayers for openness, stamina and discernment as I continue to immerse myself in what the Holy Spirit has for me here.  Thank you.

Here we are again – it’s Friday! And Lisa-Jo is back from her 3-week visit with family in South Africa and she’s given us a lovely prompt for today – here it is in her own words:

On Fridays around these parts we like to write. Not for comments or traffic or anyone else’s agenda. But for pure love of the written word. For joy at the sound of syllables, sentences and paragraphs all strung together by the voice of the speaker.

Full… 

GO:

To the brim today, that’s what full feels like. To the brim with gratitude, exhaustion, joy, celebration, connection, happy pride, all mixed together with some trepidation, uncertainty, unworthiness  and yes, I’ll name it – fear.

The happy-full feelings are the residue of a lovely weekend of wedding, a small miracle story in our family circle which I’ve written about here and here and yes, also here. {it took 3 to get all the photos in!} Such a sweet story, such a sweet day. My grateful heart sings with joy at this denouement to what was for so many years a story of sadness. And I am so grateful to and for my family, I cannot find the words. EVERYONE worked hard to make this story happen – from my 90-year-old mom to my brother and his wife to all my kids and their kids to a few good friends who are like family to us. It was a good, good time.

The anxious-full feelings come because today I begin a 2-week in residence training program on my way to becoming a spiritual director. The anxiety is not huge, but the uncertainty and perhaps…curiosity…are huge. I began going down this road in a completely different direction, so this part is new and I am full of wonderment about how I got here.

STOP

This is the third in a series of multiple posts about our family celebrations this past weekend. Please prepare yourselves for a whole lot of scrolling and tons of pictures in each one! I’m joining with Emily W at canvaschild, with Bonnie G at FaithBarista and with Ann V at AHolyExperience for their weekly invitation to share about our faith walk:

This is the second of what is turning out to be multiple posts about our family celebrations this past weekend. Please prepare yourselves for a whole lot of scrolling and tons of pictures in each one! I’m joining with Emily W at canvaschild, with Bonnie G at FaithBarista and with Ann V at AHolyExperience for their weekly invitation to share about our faith walk:

got those cupcakes frosted and decorated,

 

Wow. I have to admit that when I saw Lisa-Jo’s topic for this week – and read her own heart-rending story – I was stunned. At our house, I have multiple generations sleeping under our roof in preparation for a wonderful weekend of celebration. Our eldest daughter is getting married on Saturday and we’re hosting the rehearsal dinner here tomorrow. We’re printing programs and slicing bread and wrapping silverware in colorful napkins and getting ready to mark this milestone event in a lovely and unique way. But this day…this day comes after several years of pain, grief, chronic illness and heartbreak. This day is a gift of grace for our girl after so much suffering, suffering that is, quite literally, indescribable. So…five minutes on this topic just about makes me twist in a knot. I have no idea how it will play out in five minutes – just five minutes – no editing, no rewriting. 

But Lisa-Jo has given us grace this week- grace to take as long as we need. Let’s see how long that is.

GO:

It has been a long season of loss in our family. About eight years of death, illness, devastating natural events, and personal heartache. 

Loss has shown up in lots of ways:
     – from things that seem inconsequential in the larger scheme of things (like having a tooth pulled!);
     – to terrifying natural disasters (like two wildfires, requiring evacuation both times); 
     – to startling, gut-wrenching medical diagnoses (like prostate cancer, pulmonary emboli, Parkinson’s disease, alcohol-induced heart damage, Asperger’s syndrome, 5 days in the NICU, a 4-year-old’s broken femur, Alzheimer’s disease); 
     – to the long, slow, slogging kind of ultimate loss, the kind that happens when you are losing someone dear – bit by bit by bit, one agonizing piece at a time. 

And we’ve been down every one of those roads during these years, some of them multiple times. Every single one.

Perhaps I should not be surprised by the sad fact that in the midst of preparing for the festivities of the weekend ahead, I said out loud, “I hope I can remember how to ‘do’ happy.” 

Which is not to say that we haven’t experienced grace, respite, laughter, gratitude, redemption and Presence in and around each experience of loss. 

It is to say that these years have formed in us all, maybe most especially in me, a posture of leaning, leaning into God certainly – and that is a good thing. But also, a pattern of leaning into the stiffness of the wild wind – finding in myself an almost ingrained pattern of ‘bucking up,’ of standing tall and facing into whatever the heck comes.  Because a lot of crap has come down the pike and that’s what I’ve learned to do – to stand here, as steadily as my weak knees and trembling heart will allow – and say, “By the grace of God, I will survive. We will survive.” 

So (and believe me, this is taking one heckuva lot longer than 5 minutes to formulate!!) …this weekend, I hope we discover that we have not lost the capacity to truly celebrate. 

That we will be able to look at two people who are deeply in love, who are grateful every minute of every day that God has given them to each other and that we will find ourselves smiling from somewhere deep inside, saying: “Oh YES, God is good – all the time. All the time, God is good.” 

And to really, really mean it, from our toes right on up. 

After so many years of enduring, of bracing for yet another blow, another reminder that life is delicate, fragile and so SO easily lost, I am praying that during these days we can let loose the fears, the tears and the sadness that we all carry in our hearts and even in our bodies. That we can release that ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ feeling and just plain revel in the truth that something beautiful is right here in front of us. Something full of life, not death. Something full of promise, not loss. Something full of grace and beauty and wonder. 

We will experience loss again – this much I know. There is no escape. It is part of our story as human creatures on planet earth. But right now, right here – in the middle of this particular part of our family journey…there is the gift of celebration. Let the party begin!


STOP


This actually took about an hour to hammer out but I didn’t edit much – just tried to write. Each word hurt. But each word also began to break through that self-protective wall I too often hide behind. Maybe as I sleep this night and as I work around our house and yard tomorrow, and take ‘the girls’ for mani-pedis, and do my small piece in the wedding itself, and work with my husband and my kids and my grandkids to clean things up after the reception on Saturday – maybe that wall will just plain crumble on down.


Oh, and pray for our kids as they try to get outta Dodge for a honeymoon – carmageddon is happening between their house and the airport and they need a miracle to get them to their flight! How many of you had to get up at 4:00 a.m. to try and make a 9:00 o’clock flight the morning after your wedding??