Who Says?? — an essay for SheLovesMagazine, July 2018

Sunset refracting on the Baltic Sea, June 2018

Depending upon our age, family background, religious experience, friendships and a long list of other variables unique to our own story, discovering our personal territory can be tricky business. Where do we fit in this world? What tasks or joys are ours to bear and to share? Where do we go to discern answers to those questions?

Who says?

Whom do we give authority to speak into our life? Do we allow that influence intentionally or automatically? Might there be other options available to us, maybe even preferable for us, than the ones we have assumed?

Who soys?

I think it may take a lifetime to answer that question well and thoroughly. We are always unpeeling the onion that is us, taking off another layer, carving off the accretions we’ve accumulated from the various ages and stages of our life. There is a lot of two-steps-forward-one-step-backward on this journey. And one of the best questions we can ask as we do the good work of peeling back those layers is this one:

Who says?

For example — who told us we were ‘less than’ or even ‘differently called than’ because we were born female? Or male? Or somewhere in between? Whom do we allow to define us, limit us, box us in, decide what we can and cannot do? Where do we go for answers? Whose voice echoes most loudly in our interior conversations?

Surely, our parents show up all along the way, bringing with them their own baggage and boxes. Yet cultural mores and values shift constantly, and sometimes, the ones we were raised to believe were sacrosanct, written in concrete, indelible and eternal . . . simply are not. So how much power do we give to parental/familial voices?

If we grew up in a faith community, the voices of our congregation(s) show up in our psyche as well. Much of what we heard there may stand the test of time and truth, but some of it? Not so much.  Understandings morph, interpretation shifts, life experience teaches us to examine and re-examine what we’ve learned. And there are all kinds of ways in which these things are learned. Some of it comes at us didactically, in classroom settings or from a pulpit. But more of it trickles into us from conversations on the sidewalk, from expectations laid on us by a long list of teachers/preachers/leaders, most of whom are as trapped by expectation as the rest of us.

Other powerful voices, ones that can significantly expand our understanding of who we are and where our personal territory begins and ends, may come to us from books, articles, art exhibits, music, plays and movies. As I look back over my own story, I gratefully acknowledge that some of the most powerful voices helping me through times of transition have been artists, writers, poets, composers, musicians, movie-makers and dramatists.

Who says, indeed?

The journey to wisdom and self-acceptance takes us to some deeply introspective places. Our image of ourselves, our empathy for others, even our experience of God’s winsome and challenging place in our lives—all of it needs adjustment, expansion, tender care, and honest exploration. Learning to discern the sweet breeze of the Spirit often requires us to jettison a whole lot of what we thought we knew. And that means consistently asking ourselves, “Who says?”