True Confessions: The TSP Book Club

 Okay, it’s time for the weekly check-in.
We’re reading Julia Cameron’s, “The Artist’s Way”
over at TweetSpeak Poetry,
under the fearless leadership of Lyla Lindquist.
then you already know that I am
a Rebellious Resistor
to this methodology.
Which, I am told – as I read further this week –
is actually to be expected as one tries to
free one’s inner artist.
So much for originality.

 I am still resisting the Morning Pages part of this experience,
or as I referred to them last week, ‘the dang pages.’
I believe I did them exactly once. 
However,
I am totally embracing the Artist’s Date concept.
I think  you might even say I’ve gone a bit overboard
in that department.
The floral pictures in this post were taken during the second
(or was it the third?) daytime treat experience of
the week just past. They were taken at a local garden,
a wondrous place called “Seaside Gardens,” 
where our kids had given their dad a gift certificate for his birthday.
Oh my, did that light my inner creative fires!
(Or course, I had to break the rules a little – 
I didn’t  go alone.) 

I did, however, take myself out to eat at a favorite restaurant,
with my book in hand.
AND I squeezed in a visit to a grandson’s kindergarten
play, where he played the role of:
The Big Bad Wolf
in 
The Three Piggy Opera.
(here he is rubbing his hands together gleefully while
singing, “I wanna big, fat pig to eat…”)
 The scary thing for me in all this is –
I am beginning to see a pattern.
A life-long pattern.
And it’s nowhere near as pretty as the one
that showed up in this Norfolk Pine at the Seaside Gardens.
No, it’s not pretty. At.All.
I’m beginning to see this thread,
a twisty, unattractive thread
that weaves through a lot of my life.
And it goes like this:
First,
I get scared of something or someone 
who threatens me in some way.
Or…I get tired/frustrated/overwhelmed
by expectations – mine and/or others.
Step Two? 
I get angry inside.
Pitiful, really.
Sort of carpy, cranky, testy,
defensive, self-righteous,
judgmental.
You get the picture.
Not a lovely one, is it?
And thirdly? I try to hide what I’m feeling
or what I’m frightened about.
And you want to know how I’ve done that for most of my life?
By eating too much.
By covering myself in layers of insulation.
By hiding all the fear and all the anger
beneath a protective covering. 
(Did you notice that I went out to eat for my Artist’s Date?
And that my grandson was singing about eating??
I jest…but only a little.) 

I’ve had some success in the last year or two with 
shedding pieces of that covering.
But I gotta say,
this book is bringing out the worst in me.
How childish is that??

I mean, really.
What have I got to be angry or defensive about?
She asked us to make a list of favorite things we like to do
and then to write down when we did them last.
And almost all of them I’ve done in the last week,
3 or 4 of them as I was making the list!
And my ‘Life Pie,’ which one of our chapters this week 
asked us to draw?
Aside from confirming the fact 
that I cannot draw a pie to save my life,
my six areas are in pretty decent balance.

And the list of 10 small changes we’d like to make
in our lives?
Perhaps this says it all:
Item number 10 on my list?
“I would like to wring Julia’s neck.”
I wish I could report that I’m making great progress,
leaps and bounds kind of progress,
in letting go of this resistance.
But as you can see,
I’m not leaping and bounding anywhere,
except perhaps straight into the Slough of Despond.
One tiny ray of light, of hope this week?
I did enjoy writing down 5 childhood characteristics
that I like about myself.
I share this with you very hesitantly, however,
 as it probably tells you more about me
than I really want you to know.
But here they are:
1. Inquisitive
2. Bossy 
(bossy? who puts bossy on their list?)
3. Responsible
4. Lighthearted
5. A voracious reader 
Truly, dear reader, do you think there is any hope for me?

Joining once again with the gang over at Tweetspeak, hoping they will not give up on me just yet.
You can check out the other posts in this collection by going here:
ts book club no border

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Comments

  1. Patricia Spreng says:

    He made you just exactly “Diana.”  You are already filled with Truth and you are filled with bravery… enough to write it AND share it… and that gives me Hope.  “Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for those who are called according to his purpose.” I know that you would suggest to one of your directees, that the voice of God is not condemning… the Holy Spirit speaks with truth and love in conviction. 

    The book is a tool, a guideline filled with suggestions to aid creativity.  I am not reading the book right now. I thought I could, I wanted to, I said I would… but my truth is accepting that I just can’t keep up with all the online fun… what with work and family commitments (the Big Bad Wolf looked adorable!)  So, I get to read about your reading and it makes me feel a part of it all. He knows every facet of our being, every “layer.”  He will continue to redeem my layers in his time until the end of my time. My part is to try and respond favorably to his part. If you become perfect while here on earth… what ever shall I do?  =)

  2. Ah ha ha ha HA! I love that you are able to embrace your inner-bossy! Truthfully, If there weren’t any bossy people, would anything ever get done?

    I’ve not been reading the book. I fear I might want to wring Julia’s neck as well. I’m just following along because Lyla’s leading the discussion, and it’s easier to read what you all are saying than it is to write something myself these days.

    I’m sure there’s tremendous value in following through with some of Julia’s stuff, for those who are wired to work best the way she advocates.

    You just keep being you, Diana. Beautiful, bossy YOU!

  3. Ahhh, Diana, there is hope, streams of hope, living, breathing hope just pouring into your life and over all of ours!  You are a treasure, one I hope to meet in person one day, because you speak truth, real and unveneered, and I love that!  That is what draws me to people, not those who look like they have it all together, well polished and shiny, but those with visible flaws, open struggles, real people, living a real life in this fallen, broken world.  Bless you!

    And I love that you chose bossy!  People like me appreciate bossy people, those who organize and lead, those who jump right into the fray and get things done!  

  4. Diana, let me just say that I love you. Well, I’ll say more than that, but let’s get that out of the way. 🙂

    You already know this is hard. For you, for me. I have to weave my way through all the horse poo, but when I do, I find truth, hard truth, that makes me work to sort. And it’s good for me, if not a little infuriating. 

    Thanks for stepping around the piles with me, and finding your own hard truth. 🙂

  5. pastordt says:

    LOVE these good words, Pat. Thank you. How grateful am I that our paths crossed last September? TOTALLY.

  6. pastordt says:

    I sense another bossy 5 year old out there – inside you? Sorry writing is tough for you right now – I SO get that. And I actually like a lot of what Julia says. I’m just resisting the dang pages part – and I think it’s a pretty important part. Maybe I’ll try doing it on the computer…. at any rate, thanks for your encouragement. I’m glad you’re reading along with us…through our reading. I kinda like that whole idea.

  7. pastordt says:

    Cindee – I have a hunch you’re quite the organizer yourself, friend. Thank you for these very kind words – and I really wasn’t searching for affirmation so much as expressing my own deeper struggles with life in general. I hope we meet in person, too. And I wish I knew a little more about your Sam’s struggles – praying for you and for him anyhow.

  8. pastordt says:

    My, you have a way with words! And I’m grateful to have you to step around those piles with, friend. I love you, too, you know. This is a most interesting and challenging journey. I’m not sorry I took it – but I am intrigued by it, frustrated by it, wondering about it, scared by it. Kinda crazy – yeah, I know that already.

  9. Junie B. Jones would put bossy on her list, so I love that you put it on yours.

    And Diana, at least you’re reading the dang book. Just reading people’s comments makes me want to join you in your murderous intentions.

  10. pastordt says:

    Hey honey, you can ALWAYS join in. But Lyla’s pace is a killer – two chapters a week. Ouch. (and who is Junie B. Jones??)

  11. Of course! Of course. Love how honest you are – with yourself first, but us, too. xo

  12. pastordt says:

    Thanks so much, Sarah, for taking the time to read this! This dang book is stirring all kinds of things that likely need stirring, so I’ll hang in there with it. But this week?? This week is supposed to be ‘reading deprivation.’ Yeah, like THAT’s going to happen. :>)